Song remakes; Tawny Kitaen

Well today was a really shitty day for me on the work front. Mostly due to having to work a hated ‘split shift’. If you are unfamiliar with the term, that is a shift of eight hours that really screws over your entire day. In my case I worked from nine until noon, then had to go back from three until eight. That doesn not lend itself to actually accomplishing anything other than just work, it sucks basically.

That being said, I was not able to accomplish anything today. Not that I usually do anything on Saturdays anyway, still I can at least blame it on work. It is healthier that way, right? So I just have a few various things to bitch about today. I will jump right to it.

• I bitched in one of my early posts about my disgust of artists remaking songs. Not just any songs, but songs that were over the top hits when they were first released. D.J. Sammy is a horrible offender when it comes to this practice, so horrible in fact that the songs get airplay for about a week and then simply go away. So I won’t bitch too much about him.

So who am I going to bitch about? Jessica Simpson (I was forced to listen to some of her ‘music’ for the sake of adding that link, so I hope you appreciate it). Anyway, this girl who thinks that Chicken is Tuna took it upon herself to remake the wedding favorite “Take My Breath Away”, which was first performed by Berlin, even though they did not write it, but that is quite common for movie soundtracks. So why do I feel the urge to bitch about it? Because she did it horribly!

I have nothing against Jessica Simpson, but I think that someone close to her should have mentioned, at some point, that her singing voice is really not all that great. Were she to weight fifty pounds more than she does there would be no way in hell that she would have a recording contract. Why would she chose to remake a song that is still in circulation on light rock radio stations all over the U.S., and do it so poorly? Sure she likes to sing it in the shower, but isn’t that the reason that god created the shower (then completely forgot to tell the human population about it for 1800+ years)? So that we wouldn’t have to listen to Jessica Simpson singing a song that still stands as one of the great love ballads of all time?

I know that I am a cynical son-of-bitch, but when I heard her “render” that song, And no, I did not mean ‘rendition’, which would imply that it was her own personal spin on how the song should sound. I meant ‘render’ as in what meat-processors do to the carcasses of dead animals, which I think far more accurately describes what she did to that song, I was sickened. That is quite possibly the worst ‘cover tune’ of all time, BAR NONE. Someone please take away her microphone, which is sort-of penis shaped, and give her a penis, which will hopefully keep her mouth full long enough to keep her from singing! Not that I hate Jessica Simpson or anything…

• Well, as long as I am ripping on women and the music industry, I may as well toss out a bitch about Tawny Kitaen. Sorry, I am crutched by a dial-up modem and thusly can not find an official page for her (and why is it that the ‘official page’ for a celebrity or band is always on like page nine?). If you do not know who she is by name, I will just say that Tawny Kitaen is a serious actress that has landed a lot of roles, most notably the role of rolling on the hood of a Jaguar in WhiteSnake’s video for the song “Here I Go Again” (which I also can not find a link to).

If you are like me, that being a child of the ’80’s’, you probably saw that video roughly 11,000,000 times in your youth/pre-adulthood phase. You likely thought that there would be no way that you could land a girl that pretty. It turns out that you were lucky to not ‘land her’, or have that same thing happen conversely.

That woman has had sex with every musician that ever lived. I am still a little unclear on how she had sex with the classical composers, but I have no doubt that she did. Exhuming a body would be a day to day operation with her. Hell, that is kind of how she was living at that point. I do not mean to dog Miss Kitaen for her actions, just to mention that she has had sex with every rock star there ever was. Sure, she started small with a member of the band RATT, long before they ‘made it’, but she kept the taste for ‘Rock Stars’.

The only positive that I can take about looking for information regarding her is that she did eventually go into rehab, break out and start to run amok through our cities. That is the purpose of rehab, right? She eventually did settle down, and, as I read it, is pretty happy now just being a mom.

I have a dollar in my pocket that says she probably really regrets ever doing the “splits on the hood of the Jaguar” thing that made every male that was near puberty hope for her. While that same dollar is saying that she wishes that she hadn’t given herself to anyone who could play an instrument at that same time.

If you are a little groupie whore, what do you expect to happen? History will change when you decide to settle down? Personally, I think it is a great thing that she has found a purpose (raising her children), but I still remember her as the groupie slut that let a nipple slip out while filming a video. Whether I am right or wrong about her past, I am certainly right about her present, best of luck to her in raising a family…Especially when those kids reach puberity, and start to say, “well, you danced naked on the hood of a car,” because what could her comeback possibly be…

That is all for today. Tune in the day after today to see a new post. Please, do not search for the word that means the same as the ‘day after today’ on google, it might skew my stats.

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