Questionable survey choices at Carnival

Since I’m getting older, and thus far estranged from the demographic being targeted by most consumer surveys, I like to take them when offered. My goal is to make sure that those in the 18-39 demographic have to put up with the same bullshit I did when I was part of the cash cow group: Make sure they have to listen to music they don’t like, see entertainers they have never heard of, deluge them with ads for investment firms they are still two decades away from caring about, and that kind of thing. When I was taking a recent survey after returning from a cruise though, I found that Carnival takes it a step further than even I would have. Here are the options presented for what kind of music you enjoy:

carnival

I don’t claim to have my finger on the pulse of current popular music or culture, but Jesus Christ.

I’m not familiar enough with country to know about the choices there. I think Carrie Underwood might be fairly current? Toby Keith and Brookes & Dunn are probably still shitting out albums that fall just below mediocre, as country acts tend to do that for decades after they had their hit. I guess they may all be current in that way.

But a couple of the other choices are full-on WTF.

I don’t think anyone listed on girls vs. boys bands (and why vs.?) has had a record since like the late 90’s -barring some reunion, quick-cash bullshit. I think Boys 2 Men might still be touring in support of the CooleyHighHarmony album (or the more popular reissue of it, at any rate). Hell, if I had an album that sold 9 million copies in the U.S., I’d milk that shit until the day I died. But is anyone really going to check that box on a survey? Even without listening to this kind of music (as far as you know), I would think that they could have put something more current in the list. Hanson was a thing for a while, and I think they are still touring. The Jonas Brothers were hugely popular for a decade or so before they got a little too old and ugly to make anyone’s heart (or anything else) throb. One Direction is currently bringing me within inches of suicide every time I’m within a hundred yards of a shopping mall… I will give them a pass on the girl bands portion though, because I can’t name any more current.

Of course the biggest issue with the selections is obviously the Rap/Hip Hop. Kris Kross, Doug E. Fresh, and Vanilla Ice all came and went while I was still in high school –twenty-five fucking years ago. I don’t think any of them had even a minor hit after about 1992. Chris “Kriss Kross Daddy Mac Mac Daddy” Kelley died in 2013 and hasn’t yet succeeded in pulling off the release-a-bunch-of-new-albums-posthumously thing that Tupac was so good at (and Tupac would have been a more current act to put on their list of rappers, despite being dead for the last decade). Kriss Kross also loses points for never releasing an album called the Kriss Kross Kollection, which would have been cool as hell.

Doug E. Fresh had his hit in 1985. It was the very definition of a flash in the pan. Since this song was recorded with the much more popular Slick Rick, you can’t even really call Doug E. Fresh a one-hit-wonder. More like a half-a-hit-wonder. But half a hit, thirty years ago, is enough to make it onto Carnival’s list of Rap/Hip Hop acts!

caiFinally, Vanilla Ice. Seriously? He stole his high-top fade from Kid ‘n Play and the hook from his only hit from Queen and David Bowie. Sure, he put a lot of seventh-grade asses on the gymnasium dance floor in 1990, but he was hardly a rap or hip-hop act. Yeah, sure, he put out other albums and has managed to stay in the public eye (as recently as February 2015 when he was arrested for burglary and grand theft). He was also fucking Madonna, back when that was a good thing (prior to Dennis Rodman destroying her for all men in 1994. I’m not talking about size either. Maybe he’s hung like a donkey and totally destroyed her. Who knows? Answer: No one. Would you stick your junk into something Dennis Rodman did?) He also put out one of the shittiest movies of all time. Cool As Ice sat at 0% fresh on Rottentomatoes.com for several years before this douchebag gave it a 5/5 with a 20 word review, ending in “Ice Rules!”. I’m not saying Vanilla Ice sucked his dick to get that review, but I’m also not saying that he didn’t (maybe Robert Matthew Van Winkle did). As shitty as the movie was though, I’m glad he made it. It has some of the most memorable one-liners I’ve seen in a movie review. A few examples:

“So bad that it’s borderline fascinating.” -Mike McGranaghan (Aisle Seat)

“Having established that he can’t rap or dance, Vanilla Ice now adds acting to his resume — call it the tri-imperfecta of pop.” -Richard Harrington (Washington Post)

“This one is absolutely pricless in its awfulness.” Scott Weinberg (efilmcritic)

I know some would say, “well, then, where’s your movie, smartass?” The answer to that is that I had the good sense not to make one (I also didn’t have the opportunity, budget, or desire). Something I bet Vanilla Ice wishes he had back in 1991, when Carnival put together the survey question that I had to answer in 2015.

The wedding pic experiment – a trek into uncanny valley

If there is one piece of advice I would pass along to young couples* it would be this: Pay the money to get your wedding professionally photographed. It will save you much regret later.

When my wife and I got married, fourteen years ago, we were both poor as hell. We rented the local American Legion hall for the service, which cost around $150. She did all the decorating herself, with supplies mostly purchased at Michael’s. I burned cd’s for all of the music using Napster (when that was still a thing), set up a stereo under one of the tables, and controlled it using a remote (which was in my pocket throughout the service). The entire ceremony cost us only a few hundred dollars. At the time, that was all we wanted or needed.

On that budget, we obviously couldn’t afford to have it professionally photographed. At the time, we couldn’t even afford to have it amateurly photographed. So we went with the old -disposable-cameras-on-the-tables trick as the primary photography solution. Let’s just say that didn’t work out. We ended up with hundred of grainy pictures of floors, walls, ceilings, people’s thumbs, etc. The few photos that were taken of the correct people, at the correct time, were in such shitty light, and in such poor resolution, that nearly none of the wedding photos are of any use. An example photo here:

IMG_0001small

Note that this is the best picture we have of us with her family. It is very dark and grainy as hell, even on the 4×6 or 5×7. That would also be on the negative since it was taken with those shitty, disposable cameras, so even if we still had those (and I’m not sure that we do) it wouldn’t improve if we got larger prints made from it.

The same was true for photos of the bride and groom. There are exactly two pictures of us that are even remotely passable. One of them was taken by my boss at the time. That one is a profile shot of us exchanging vows, and we have an 11×17 of it hanging in the house, it was framed and given to us as a wedding gift. The other passable picture is of us dancing. It is also grainy as hell, but we are both smiling so big and obviously so happy that it is the perfect photo -disregarding the graininess of it.

So for our anniversary this year, I decided to see if I could get a better image of us from our wedding day. Obviously, lacking the availability of a time machine, I was limited to images that already existed. I took the best image I could find that showed us from the front and sent it to someone to have some photoshop work done on it. The person I sent it to was able to do quite a good job, actually. They were able to remove most of the shadows and get the tones set to more reasonable shades. They were able to remove a bit of the graininess, but it still just didn’t look very good. Definitely not good enough to try to have it embiggened.

Without a lot of options remaining, I decided to see if I could find someone to paint a portrait from the image. I found out that it was ridiculously expensive to commission a painting of that type, and I couldn’t be guaranteed of the results. So, on a whim, I contacted someone to see if they would draw the portrait digitally. Working from the photoshopped image, he drew our likenesses on an arbitrary background. He followed the original portrait as nearly as he could.

I wasn’t really sure what to expect as I’ve never really seen a portrait drawn digitally. The resulting image was amazing … But wrong:

WeddingPortraitColour-3small

(the image size is greatly reduced in the embedded image above) Viewing it on a computer screen or handheld device, one could almost believe that it was an actual photo. Probably airbrushed quite a bit to soften it and remove blemishes, but you can almost believe it is a photo. Again, the guy really did an amazing job, but it just looks … off.

Uncanny Valley is a term that was coined for exactly this reason. The features are too realistic to be purely computer generated, but too perfect to be a photo. At least that’s what I think. Here’s a shot of just the faces from the photoshopped photo above the digital portrait (you can click through this one to enlarge it):

wedpicuncanny1small

As I said, I wasn’t sure what to expect when I had this portrait created. The result is certainly amazing, but I can’t figure out if I like it or not. I keep bouncing back and forth between thinking it looks amazing and thinking it looks downright creepy. If I had it done with paint instead of digital, I don’t think that would be the case. If it was with paint, it would be obvious that it was a painted portrait, which would likely strip away the eerie feeling that keeps creeping into my mind when I look at it.

However, an image on the computer won’t look the same in real life. A 2700×3300 image on the computer will only print out at 9″x11″ with 300dpi, which could make a huge impact on how the image looks. Of course the images he produced for me were in a ridiculously large format (capable of producing 24″x30″ prints). I decided to take a shot at having them printed to see if I liked them any better on paper. I chose to print them on canvas instead of paper though, because I thought that if the image was too smooth, the creepiness would set in again. I further had only the black and white version printed at full size (24″x30″), thinking that it would look less creepy if it wasn’t in color (so it wouldn’t look so much like it was trying to be an actual photo). I had a much smaller (10″x12″) printed of the full color portrait. Having them now in my possession, I am still undecided. From a distance of even a few feet, they look like they are photos … Or supposed to be photos, but they are just a bit off. But if you take a step towards them, it gets downright creepy again. Here are both of them leaning on my couch (and I assure you that the graininess here is from my shitty camera and not the actual prints):

bothsmall

So I remain torn on whether these images represent an amazing anniversary gift that will last a lifetime, or just some creepy experiment. I guess only time will tell.

*If I were passing along two pieces of advice, the other piece of advice would be this: take nude photos of yourself often -videos too, if you have the ability. You won’t want to look at them right away, and certainly won’t show anyone, but twenty years from now, you will be showing anyone who will look. You’re never going to look any better than you do in your late teens or early twenties. Preserve that shit and show it off when everything starts sagging.

Back Cover Copy finalized

The back cover copy for In the Shadow of Angels, often called a blurb, has been finalized. I have never attempted to write back copy before, and it turned out to be tougher than I imagined it would be. My goal (as mashed together from dozens of idiot’s guides to blurb writing) was to 1) Use strong buzzwords to evoke mental images. 2) Give a hint at the genre of the book. 3) Introduce characters and hint at the stakes of their situation. 4) Leave the reader with questions that can only be answered by reading the book. 5) By virtue of having achieved steps 1-4, rook them into buying the book (which can hopefully live up to the expectations I have set).

All that in about 150 words, and without giving away anything of the plot. Right. To put that into perspective, I have used more words in this preamble than I used in the entire blurb. But I think I did a pretty good job for a first timer:

“Devin Bryant is a young accident attorney who seems to have it all: Gorgeous wife; Beautiful house; Fancy car; Successful career… But, like everyone else in the town of Ashwood, he also has dark secrets.

When he finds one of his dark secrets, local seductress Jezebel Anders, dead outside his hotel room, he panics. Now he finds himself slipping into an abyss of corruption, deceit, blackmail and murder from which there is seemingly no escape. As the spiral grows to ensnare his wife and friends, all of their freedom –their very lives- are at stake. Their only chance is to work together.

When every choice is more heinous than the last, and even your allies have secrets, the only way out is to slither ever deeper. But if they sink low enough to prevail, will they find themselves trapped forever in the shadow of the angels?”

What do you think?

My first novel slated for release!

My first novel, In the Shadow of Angels is complete (as much as it ever will be) and will be released very shortly. After having spoken to a couple of acquaintances regarding editing options, I’ve made the (probably horrible) decision to release the first edition without further editing.

The decision to release without editing is because the likelihood of it actually selling to anyone other than me seem infinitesimally small, so it seems a waste of money. It was suggested that I print copies for friends and family and then just wait. If I sell 100 copies, I will have it edited and re-release it. Don’t miss out on your first chance to own a first edition! Check out the (work in progress) website

Gay marriage legal in Arizona

In a post that took way too long to get to, gay marriage is finally legal in Arizona. -This after an amendment passed in 2008 banning it was ruled unconstitutional.

You’re goddam right it’s unconstitutional.

While I’m not gay, I do have both friends and family members that are, and any law that singles them out is clearly against the principles that founded this country. It is in no way different than singling out a group of people for any other reason, be it race, religion, or even something more trivial like eye color. That each state in a country founded on the principle that all land owning white men are created equal still has to challenge this fundamental right in court just boggles my mind. But, in a state like Arizona (where stripping people of their basic rights is status quo) it is quite a victory.

At least we weren’t quite as bad as Texas, or so I keep telling myself, whose ban on gay marriage had actually banned all marriage since being enacted with 76% of the vote in 2005 (this one was ruled unconstitutional in July 2014). Their law actually stated that, “This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage.” And marriage is just about as identical to marriage as one can get.

I’m happy that same sex couples will finally be able to enjoy a right that they should have had all along. I’m even happier that I will never again have to listen to this bullshit argument: “If two guys can get married, what’s next? A guy can marry a horse?”

And if you are one of the ignorant rednecks that made that argument, let me explain something to you called logic. Before you go bandying about same sex marriage leading directly to bestiality being legalized, consider this: In order to apply logic to the thing you are trying to decry, you must also apply it to the thing you are trying to protect. In other words, if you want to make that case against gay marriage, you must first check it against straight all marriage. It seems that your logic there is if a man can marry his male partner, he would then marry his male horse (he is gay after all). So applying your logic to traditional marriage, that would mean that since a man can marry his female partner, he would then go on to marry his female horse. We’ve not seen a lot of that here in the U.S., and marriage has been legal for a long time…

When the few remaining states finally overturn their unconstitutional laws, we can move on as a nation and get back to telling women what do do with their bodies despite the UN requiring certain basic rights to health care among its members:

[UN members] must take measures to ensure that legal and safe abortion services are available, accessible, and of good quality.

Public morality cannot serve as a justification for enactment or enforcement of laws that may result in human rights violations, including those intended to regulate sexual and reproductive conduct and decisionmaking. Although securing particular public health outcomes is a legitimate State aim, measures taken to achieve this must be both evidence-based and proportionate to ensure respect of human rights. When criminal laws and legal restrictions used to regulate public health are neither evidence-based nor proportionate, States should refrain from using them to regulate sexual and reproductive health, as they not only violate the right to health of affected individuals, but also contradict their own public health justification.

with liberty and justice for all land owning white men

Dish Network resorts to extortion — Just to be petty

As near as I can tell from my sloppy record keeping, I started using Dish Network in early 2003. The service was significantly cheaper than my local cable company at the time, and since I owned the house the dish itself wouldn’t be an issue. Over the next 11 years, my bill ranged between 70 and 110 dollars a month, depending on which services I currently had set up. For the sake of my argument here, I’m going to round that all to 85 a month over the course of 11 years. That’s about $11,220 I paid to Dish Network over the years. My payments were on time, and I never had an interruption in service. I was really their ideal customer.

Then I moved. Dish Network doesn’t provide any sort of internet service in my area (they do offer a partnership through Hughes net, but it is ridiculously expensive), so I had to go with someone else. In mid March 2014, I called to cancel my service. The deals they were offering me by the end of that call were truly unbelievable: $19.99 a month for a year with free HBO/Cinemax and my current top 150 plan. If I hadn’t had to go elsewhere for internet, I would have jumped all over that. I told as much to the kind representative I was speaking to.

During my conversation with the representative while trying to cancel the service, she said that I “may have equipment that is subject to return”. I asked for her to verify if the equipment needed to be returned or not because I was going to be moving out in less than two weeks, and she said -and this is a direct quote- “If any of your equipment needs to be returned, you will receive a return shipping box in 3 to 5 business days.” So I held on to the equipment. After a month passed I logged in to my Dish account. Current balance: a credit for 22 bucks and change. No note of equipment needing to be returned. So that’s that.

Then in June I get a bill from Dish Network. Note that this is three full months after my account had been closed. My current balance is 77.75. So I sent an email to their customer care department that said:

You sent me an email saying that my account (which has been closed for several months now) has a bill due. I am not able to login with my account number. I am also not able to login with the username that I used there for several years. I also can’t login with my phone number. How am I supposed to view/pay this alleged bill?

Around 1am the next day, customer care responded with the following:

Dear Donnie,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us. We understand your concern regarding your account and we’d be glad to assist you. We do apologize for the confusion and inconvenience this may have caused.

Our record shows that your account has been disconnected and your online account is no longer accessible 60 days after disconnection.

However, you still have a ending balance of $77.75 that includes your two Unreturned Equipment Fee plus taxes. For a complete list of payment options available and instructions on how you can pay your bill online, please visit www.mydish.com/support/ways-to-pay

If you need further assistance, you have an option to visit www.mydish.com/chat to start a live chat with a Customer Service Representative.

Thank you for your email.

So now I’m getting irritated at the unreturned equipment fee showing up three months after the service was cancelled. But I also figured it was cheaper in the long run (factoring in hits against my credit) to just pay the bill than to try to argue it. So I tried to pay online through the link they provided in that email reply. It didn’t work. I can’t log in to pay a bill because my account has been closed for more than 60 days. That’s probably even more irritating than the 77 bucks was in the first place. So I respond to their email with the following:

I do appreciate the response, but I disagree that the link listed below (www.mydish.com/support/ways-to-pay ) will allow me to pay my bill online as suggested in your response. I can’t register an account to make a payment for exactly the same reason that I was not able to use my old account number to login -which was the reason I contacted you to begin with.

Please provide me with instructions on how I can make this payment online.

And as long as I’m hitting on inaccurate information in your response, I’d also like to mention that when you say, “you still have a ending balance of $77.75 that includes your two Unreturned Equipment Fee plus taxes” I’d also like to point out that when I disconnected this service -three full months ago- your agent said, and I will quote, “if any of your equipment needs to be returned, you will receive a return shipping box in three to five business days”. Sixty days later, when I still had not received a return shipping box, I threw the equipment in the trash assuming that it was not something you wanted returned. It was, after all, several years old. Now three months -or approximately 60 business days- later you are asking me to pay for the equipment. Fine. As long as you provide me with a way to make this payment online I will do so. But know this: I will never again consider Dish Network for any service. After having been a customer for many years, I really feel that this is a very petty way to be treated.

Thank you for your time.

Donnie

Which they responded to two days later with the following:

Dear Donnie,

Thank you for your reply. We apologize for the confusion and inconvenience this may have caused but we’d be glad to assist you regarding your payment and equipment.

Please be advised that below is the address on where you can mail your payment:

Chicago
Dept 0063
Palatine, IL
60055-0063

Additionally, mailed payments may take 7 to 10 business days for us to receive and post to your account.

You may also process your payment through the following options:

Toll-free Automated Phone System: 1-866-263-1911

Credit Card Payments: 1-800-894-9131

Moreover, for the type of your receiver, the shipping box will be automatically sent to the address on file on the 36th day (timing based on holidays/weekends) from deactivation date and we have send the return kit has been delivered to your address last May 12th.

For immediate assistance, you can visit www.mydish.com/chat to start a live chat with a Customer Service Representative.

Thank you for your email.

Sincerely,

Laine A.B / CG0

TID:OR – Infiniti

DISH eCARE

The bold portion there is mine. It says that the box will be shipped on the 36th day after deactivation, meaning that the representative that I spoke to initially flat-out lied to me. What’s more is the provided options for payment seem sketchy at best. I’m supposed to ship a check to “Chicago Dept 063”? That doesn’t say anything about Dish Network in it, nor are either of the phone numbers the famous 1-800-333-DISH number that is in all the commercials. The whole thing stinks of fraud. Plus they seemed to have missed my point entirely. I was trying to be cordial, but also get the point across that they shouldn’t make me pay the 77 bucks. Maybe I needed to be less subtle?

At this point I debated simply not paying it and turning this over to the better business bureau. I was plainly lied to about this. They didn’t provide me a return shipping box when they say they did. I attempted to pay online and they would not accept the payment. Dish Network is 100% wrong on every count here. But… They are holding my credit report hostage. If I don’t pay it, I get a black mark on my credit report, and they know that. So they’re willing to lose any potential for future business with me over $77. That is about as petty as anything I’ve ever heard of a national company doing.

But thankfully, I am not without recourse. I may not have the clout of Dish Network, but what I do have is the ability to post what really happened, use words like lie, fraud, extortion, and scam to make sure that if anyone ever searches for “Dish Network scam” they will land here on my site and be able to read about just how petty this giant can be. And as the saying goes, if I can stop just one person from getting Dish Network’s service, my work is done. Because if I can get through to just one person, this $77 will have cost this media giant over $10,000.

So I called the 1-800-333-DISH number and made a payment by phone -using their actual phone number, and not the questionable numbers they sent to me. But I take solace in the fact that if anyone ever visits:
Shadowtwin.com
DonnieBurgess.com
ReaperCell.com

They will get to read all about it. That’s not counting the potential future hits I’ll get when someone searches for “Dish Network” with any of the big terms “Scam, extortion, lies”, etc. Plus I’m going to go plug the article on social networking sites to make sure that I get the word out.

Enjoy the ill-gotten $77, Dish Network. I hope the price you pay for it is hefty.

Proof that I’m getting old

I just hit 50 40, and it’s starting to show in my choice of music. While I still like the heavy, pounding stuff most of the time, I can appreciate a good voice like I never thought possible. I’ve always enjoyed symphonic metal, and got turned onto Nightwish a couple of years ago. I found myself thinking that the women’s voices in the song were so good that they were getting lost in the music. I’ve continued discovering new symphonic metal acts, almost invariably thinking the same thing. It isn’t as if the songs are bad because the music overpowers the voice; it’s more that I just wondered how good the voice would sound without all the drums hammering in the background. So over the last few days I sought out and purchased some music from some former Nightwish singers, and it is amazing.

Anette Olzon’s solo album is a vocally driven masterpiece. There aren’t a lot of instruments playing and the ones that do compliment her voice well. I’ve found myself listening to this album over and over again, just to hear that angelic voice. Here is one grabbed at random from her album:




Another ex-Nightwish singer, Tarja Turunen has also been putting out some solo albums. I’ve purchased one of these as well, and again the voice is simply amazing. Unfortunately the composition of some of the songs just doesn’t work. It’s as if she is trying to get the grand, sweeping, epic sound of an orchestra but doing so on a budget. The end result is frequently that there are synthesized instruments that seem out of place and just don’t compliment the vocals. Some of the tracks, though, are pretty amazing. My personal favorite is the song “Until Silence”:


Now if 40 year old me was to tell 20 year old me that I actually bought both of these albums -and enjoy them even when no one else is around, I’m pretty sure 20 year old me would kick my ass (and he easily could; I’m horribly out of shape now).

Of course not everything I listen to now is the hypnotically tranquil voice of a siren… I think 20 year old me would be happy to know that I am still digging Poisonblack‘s new album Lyijy (they’ve dropped the gothy stuff for more of a blues-driven, in-your-face rock. This is pedal to the floor, highway 1 driving music. Of course in some cases (the video below especially), it’s best not to listen to the lyrics..



I figure at this rate I’ll be listening to opera exclusively in another twenty years. Well, that and whatever skull pounding metal I can get my hands on. I guess the tastes just grow more divers over time.

The Stand

I finished reading Stephen King’sThe Stand a few months ago. I’ve been holding off on writing anything about it because I wanted to give myself a bit of time to hopefully gain some objectivity about it. I knew nothing at all about the book going in -having not even read the back cover of it before starting- and it was definitely worth the read. Unfortunately, it was also made into a tv mini-series in 1994. I made the mistake of watching the mini-series less than 24 hours after finishing the book.

Don’t ever do that.

That was part of the reason that I wanted to give myself some time to develop some objectivity about the story. While the book was really very good, the mini-series was utter crap. It was very clearly slopped together quickly to make a couple bucks, and I can hardly believe that King signed off on it at all. The book is enormous, and there’s just no way they could put all the events into the 6 hour mini-series. I get that. After watching the mini-series, though, I question why they even tried. But I’ll get to that later on.

As for the book, it was almost the most amazing novel I have ever read. Almost. I’m going to assume that everyone who is going to read the book has already done so, and start dishing out the spoilers now.

The nickel version of the plot is this: The government develops a plague to use for war and then accidentally releases it into the public. It kills more than 99% of the population. The survivors begin forming into groups which are eventually absorbed into two larger groups. These two groups hate each other, of course, as is necessary for the plot. The climax leaves one group weak but not destroyed… The implication being that it can all happen again.

The first one-third of this book was simply amazing. It was pretty confusing for the first hundred or so pages as the characters were being introduced, because it was bouncing between four or five primary characters. As the plague was initially released, we see each of the primary characters dealing with those around them dying. Since it was all happening at the same time it made sense for it to be told that way. Once I learned the character names, it got much easier to follow. And much more compelling.

King again does a masterful job of creating the primary characters in this book. Even not having touched the book in months, I can still remember Stu Redman, Fran Goldsmith, Harold Lauder, Larry Underwood, Nick Andros, Tom Cullen, Nadine Cross … I could probably go on if I spent a few minutes thinking about it (let’s not forget Trashcan Man!). Each of the characters that is introduced has his/her own faults, and each of them reacts to the deaths around them very differently. Whether it was the weak, nerdy kid who was a little too shy, or the middle-aged guy who was a bit too selfish, or the teen-aged girl who wound up pregnant just in time for the end of the world, King creates very rich personalities and problems for each of them. I could identify with each of them in some way, and had images of them in my head long before I watched the mini-series (not one of the characters was portrayed in the way I saw it in my head). The rich backstories really added to my empathy for the characters and kept me reading until it all started to come together.

The spread of the plague in this book is portrayed, in my opinion, exactly as it would happen if this were to happen today. Obviously a disease like that would travel quickly and it wouldn’t take long to infect every human on earth -that’s not the important part of the story. The part of the story that grabbed me, and made it seem so real, was the lengths to which the government was going to attempt to cover it up. Early on, as there still seemed hope that the spread of the plague could be contained, the military was ordered to cut of all communication and roads into and out of towns as they became infected. Anyone attempting to leave would be executed on the spot. Media outlets were fed misinformation about the severity of the disease (repeatedly saying it was nothing more than a slightly worse version of the flu), and if the media outlet tried to detail any of what was actually happening, again they would be executed. As more and more towns and cities were destroyed, and millions of millions of people were dead, the government was still denying that anything was wrong. Uniformed armed forces were still enforcing the kill orders right until their own deaths from the disease. It was a very chilling portrayal of how such a disease would spread, and of how the U.S. government would do everything in their power to deny it. It seemed so very real because everything that happened did so in exactly the way I expect it would in that situation; the entire population of the world completely destroyed by an American government that refuses to admit that it made a mistake, or that they were working with biological weapons in the first place. The first third of this book really should be required reading in civics and sociology classes.

The end of the world didn’t have a great deal to do with the plot of the story though. It was the situation that caused the events to unfold, of course, and it is what set the primary characters in motion to reinvent themselves. Beyond that, this could have happened anywhere. The plot really was about Harold Lauder, a wimpy teen who was never very good at anything, falling in love with Fran Goldsmith. Fran subsequently fell in love with Stu Redman, and that left Harold feeling alone and outcast. He began a slow decline into madness that would last through the end. There was a lot more going on for sure, but that was really the main plot, and what held the book together. This is also exactly why this didn’t transfer well to video: Most of what drove the plot was Harold’s slow evolution from wimpy kid to madman. Most of this took place in thoughts, dreams, and general brooding, and while that can be told quite well when you are able to read what the character is thinking, when you are able to see only what they are doing it’s just a bunch of actions that don’t seem to have any reason or purpose.

The middle third of the book introduces the characters Mother Abigail and Randall Flagg (the Walkin’ Dude). This is, in my opinion, the worst mistake of story-telling in history. Those characters are instantly and clearly portrayed to be God and the Devil -or more likely working for God and the Devil. They exist solely to draw the survivors together and separate them into two groups: good and evil. The story at this point is taken from a compelling story about the survival of the species and the madness of one man to being about the battle of God vs. the Satan. It was just so unnecessary. Harold would have continued his decline without intervention by Randall Flagg. His mental state was documented so well, and his turn to ‘evil’ so complete, that without any outside influence he could have been the one that started the opposing group. The group of ‘good’ would have come together naturally, as survivors looked for others. Any who were rejected, or even those who just felt rejected, would still have joined the opposite group. That would have changed it from having one group that was clearly on the side of good and one clearly on the side of evil to two separate groups, each driven by their own agendas, and each with their own logical, believable reasons for how they came to be there. Making it absolute good versus absolute evil had the effect of seeming to remove any responsibility of the people involved. It seemed like it was no longer about what happens to society as it is destroyed and has to rebuild, but instead it is about God and Satan playing chess with slightly more real characters.

As the story moves along, God’s group sets up in Colorado while Satan’s group chooses (surprise!) Las Vegas. This is, I believe, the major reason that the good and evil was introduced to the story: Mother Abigail and Randall Flagg appear to the survivors in their dreams and guide them to the settlements. That is the only reasonable explanation I can come up with for why they would be necessary to the story at all. However this would be easily done away with, as it would only be a matter of a few days before the survivors started hitting the local Home Depot stores en masse to pick up gas powered generators for their homes. Gasoline would be fairly easy to come by at every service station, and the survivors would naturally go to where the gasoline was easiest to obtain: big cities. Within a few days or weeks, people would want to know if anyone else was out there, so short wave radios would find their way into use. It would probably be under a month before the vast majority of the survivors found each other to start forming groups without intervention by the forces of good and evil. Infighting would come fairly quickly thereafter, which would ultimately lead to the two separate groups (though probably with a lot of smaller groups as well. This could be happening as the story unfolds anyway though; the story focuses on these two groups of people, but it is mentioned several times that even if the disease was 99.9% fatal it would still be several million survivors. I found that number fairly staggering, but the math is correct).

Aside from the good and evil drawing the groups together, everything seems to go exactly as you expect it would. In short order the surviving groups start to form governments (or at the very least hierarchies), towns are being rebuilt, power is being restored, etc. The two groups could coexist indefinitely if not for the constant prodding from God and Satan. Unfortunately for the purposes of the story, God and Satan are on equal footing as far as who is more evil. Both groups are being instructed to destroy the other group without any provocation. It is the reader’s knowledge that Randall Flagg is evil; his atrocities are laid our fairly well so that you know you aren’t supposed to root for him. That knowledge doesn’t exist for any of the characters though (at least not the ones hell bent on destroying him). All they know is what some old lady told them. Just like all the group of evil know is what some old dude told them. Acting blindly on the command of one person, lacking even the slightest hint of evidence to support the story they are telling, puts the groups of good and evil on decidedly even ground. This is yet another reason that the ultimate good vs. ultimate evil just detracts from the story.

The biggest issues caused by the good vs. evil bit, though, is in regards to the climax of the story. Mother Abigail instructs four of the characters to go to Las Vegas to destroy Randall Flagg. She tells them they must go immediately, with only the clothes on their backs. Further, one of them will not make it there. Without much hesitation, the group does to go -still without anything more than her word that Flagg is evil. The problem is that the climax comes about when Trashcan Man brings a nuclear warhead into Las Vegas and it detonates -thus destroying everyone in the city (and presumably a fairly large surrounding area). This chain of events was set in motion long before the group arrived in Las Vegas, and would undoubtedly have happened whether they had gone or not. It simply wasn’t necessary for them to be involved at all. If we continue to imagine what it may have been like without good and evil driving everyone, we can imagine that Harold Lauder (and/or his sympathizers) are plotting to destroy Stu and his group, they hatch a plan to get a bomb of some sort into town, Stu’s group finds out, a showdown ensues as the two groups battle over control, Harold dies in the conflict, done. Would that story be better? Maybe, maybe not. I don’t think that matters though; the point is that making this a battle between good and evil takes accountability away from the characters to a great extent. Taking away that accountability takes this from being a real-world, cautionary type tale to being a mere fantasy. That is my biggest issue with the book.

All that said, this really was a good read. I have never cared nearly as much for characters in any book as I did for the primary characters in The Stand. I wish the story had been told a bit differently, and I think it would have been a much more powerful story if it had been, but as it is it is still a very compelling story, and one that will leave you thinking about it long after you’re done reading.

That was the book. Now for the mini-series. Don’t watch it. If you’ve read the book and you watch the mini-series you will just be disappointed by how far it strays from the original story. If you haven’t read the book, you will be confused as to why some of the things are happening, a lot of what the people do doesn’t seem to be for any good reason at all, and you will ultimately be disappointed.

A good example of stuff being left out is when Harold sees Fran and Stu together for the first time (I can’t remember if they were having sex or just kissing). In the book, we go into Harold’s mind for a time as he tries to rationalize it, argues within himself, begins to get angry, and ultimately Stu’s fate is sealed. After this point, Harold is constantly wearing a fake smile -the type normally reserved for televangelists- and it is very clear that something has snapped in him, and it is only a matter of time before something very bad starts to happen. In the mini-series, that was condensed to a 2 second shot of Harold smiling and clenching his fist. It just didn’t resonate the same.

Many events in the mini-series are out of order to how they happened in the book. In most cases it made the story flow a bit better, so I won’t fault them for that. The amount of stuff that had to be left out, though, is astronomical. The sympathizers of Randall Flagg all had their own reasons why they were following him: one was saved from a prison where he had been slowly losing his mind while chomping on someone else’s leg for food before Flagg saved him from a slow death. Another was tricked into following him by the introduction of a guy driving a fast car and raping him before Flagg has him torn up by wolves (although it was most likely Flagg that made the raping happen in the first place), etc. There is a logical reason why the characters are following Flagg -none of that is in the mini-series. Likewise the entire portion relating to Mother Abigail is stripped down to a couple of ten second dream fragments. If you’ve read the story your mind can fill in the rest. If you haven’t read the story, I would imagine that you will probably wonder why someone would set about to walking 2000 miles across the country based on seeing a wheat field in a dream one time. Tom Cullen is a ‘simple’ man (suffering from some form of retardation). In the book when the decision is being made to make him into a spy, there is much ado. The group argues over whether he should be exploited in such a way, and it is made clear that a statement is being made on human nature: The same mistakes that doomed the race the first time will do so again. In the movie, there is no discussion at all, the group of ‘good’ doesn’t even bat an eye before using him as a weapon (which also further clouds the line between which group is good and which is evil).

One thing that the mini-series did do well though was tie up the plot hole the book created regarding the group of good traveling to Vegas. In the book everyone just dies, end of story. In the mini-series, Mother Abigail appears in a vision -clearly, now, the hand of God, and tells the three who are about to die that without their sacrifice the evil could not have been defeated. Again, in the book that nuclear warhead would have gone off with or without them and no such divine vision was granted. That was really the only redeeming quality about the series though, and you have to sit through six hours of either frustratingly sparse story (if you’ve read the book) or disjointed crap happening for no real reason (if you haven’t read the book) before it gets there. Hardly worth viewing in either case. And on my short list of biggest irritants in the history of cinematic license, they switched the sex of Fran’s baby from a boy (in the book) to a girl (in the movie) so that they could name her Abigail.

Well this has was supposed to be a couple of paragraphs suggesting that you read the book. I believe I may have missed that mark… 3000 words later… Do read the book, don’t watch the mini series.

11/22/63

My mother has always been a huge fan of Stephen King. I … have not. My experience with his work goes just about as far as the movies that have been created from his works. Some of which have been excellent (The Green Mile and The Shawshank Redemption jumping immediately to mind), and some of which, not so much (Maximum Overdrive and Maximum Overdrive springing immediately to mind [and yes, it deserves being mentioned twice here]). A quick look on rottentomatoes shows that it’s not just my judgement of the aforementioned titles either; The Shawshank Redemption comes in at 90% fresh, The Green Mile is sitting at 80%, and Maximum Overdrive is a lowly 17% (and I can’t help but wonder how many of those 17% are being quite generous in an award the over-the-top-cheese-fest kind of way).

Being that my mother has been reading King longer than I have been alive, I never really had any desire to read his work. I know that probably seems a bit shallow, but see how it transfers to other forms of entertainment. Can you honestly say that you enjoy the same musical artists as your parents? I’m guessing no, but then again if you are really into classical I could see sharing some common interests. For most of us, though, Frank Sinatra, Elvis, and the Everly Brothers probably don’t have a great deal of appeal. I obviously don’t know if those particular artists are ones that your parents listened to, but mine did, and it was and is actively painful to listen to -even today. Elvis’ rendition of the song Blue Christmas remains the most annoying song ever, IMHO, because of 1) the annoying chanty woohing girls, and 2) you have to hear it hundreds of times a year. Every store on the planet earth seems to have this crap in its Christmas rotation.

That being said, that really wasn’t the only reason I didn’t read King. There was also the supernatural aspect. I just don’t find horror or suspense in the supernatural when reading a book or watching a movie. It makes it difficult for me to empathize with a character when they are attempting to deal with the bogeyman rather than dealing with some real -tangible- adversary. Even if that adversary is within themselves; some of the best fiction I have ever read involves a character battling torment inside their own mind. But there is a difference between someone losing their tenuous grip on sanity and, say, a diesel rig suddenly becoming sentient and killing everyone in sight. I’m sure it takes a great deal of imagination to come up with the latter, but, to me, it just isn’t all that interesting to read. I would much rather see a real person facing a real dilemma -in a real world, governed by real laws of nature and physics.

I did attempt to read one of King’s books while I was in high school. That book was It. It is an 1100 page behemoth of a book that I can’t remember a damn thing about. There was a clown named Pennywise -I only remember that because a band later emerged with the same name. I started reading this one somewhere around my junior year (possibly the end of my sophomore year) and finished it probably about the time I was 19. Certainly not a page-turner, at least not for me. And this was at a time in my life when I routinely read Terry Brooks, who, while not particularly original, wrote some relatively lengthy books that I was able to read over a couple of weeks just finding time between school and work.

All of this is hardly glowing praise of King. However, my opinion began to change when I started reading 11/22/63.

I recently bought a Google Nexus 7 and was playing around with it when I noticed that 11/22/63 was on it -or so I thought. As I would find out later, the first 50 pages or so were on it, and then it just abruptly stopped. I had to buy it to continue reading it. I was pretty surprised to find myself shelling out the 10 bucks for the digital edition without giving it much thought.

The concept of 11/22/63 is not something that is new to me. In fact I have actually penned a couple of stories with the same premise. One of them, which I remember rather fondly, was a short story where someone went back in time (I either can’t remember how or why -or possibly I never explained it) with the intent to stop Kennedy’s assassination. In my short, Oswald was actually killed well over a year before he would take the life of the president. While I can’t remember if I explained exactly how or why, this led to the Cuban missile crisis actually ending in full scale nuclear war. The U.S.A. and Russia both unloaded their full arsenals on each other. The warring countries in the middle east rose to power in the ensuing chaos. Of course I just wrote that out on a whim, having done no research whatsoever into the impossibility of it all. But it was a wonderful idea to play with.

When I started reading 11/22/63, I was really just curious to see where King would take the same idea. Thankfully the appearance of the supernatural in this book is limited to getting to the past in the first place. There are some ‘card men’ that exist in the past (or near the portal in and out of it), but they are trivial to the story, and really only mentioned at the start and end. Once I made it past the getting to the past portion of it, I was really enjoying the story.

King did a wonderful job of building the characters in this book. At the beginning I was hoping that it would quickly handle the stopping Oswald bit and get right on to King’s imagined view of the future if it had never happened. Instead I found myself really empathizing with the Jake/George character as well as his love interest Sadie. By the second half of the book, I didn’t really care if he succeeded or failed in his attempt to stop Oswald, I just wanted to find out what would happen between George and Sadie. Would he stay with her in the past? Would she join him in the future? Of course that decision wasn’t his to make -the past is obdurate, after all.

Without going into any detail about the book -which I am going to avoid because you really should read this book if you haven’t (perhaps particularly if you’re not a fan of King)- I will say that the story was excellent. The history portion of the story was handled with meticulous detail. King clearly did a great deal of research to make sure of the times and places of events to weave his story around -making it seem all the more real. I am not a huge fan of the way he chose to end it, but when it come right down to it, there are really only three ways that it could end and he chose the one that you would probably never have guessed. I’m curious to see if the movie version will share this ending or if they will go with a much happier ending (which either other option would have been).

I liked the book enough that I asked my Mom what her favorite King book was. She said The Stand. I am reading it now. Hopefully this one will keep me as engaged as 11/22/63 did, and if so, I may find myself reading the rest of King’s work. It really has been much better than expected so far.