Work

I have had a really weird schedule at work this week, due to one of the bosses being out of state. That is the simple explanation for why I was getting so much better about doing daily postings then, suddenly, reverted to my old ‘post whenever the hell I want to’ schedule. Unfortunately, that same person is still going to be out of town for a few more days, so I may or may not find the time to make a post before next Wednesday. Therefore I will try to sum up the last week with this post, as well as trying to preblog the events that might happen next week, or not, I do as I please.

• First off (well, not really first since a lot of stuff happened between my last post and now, but the first memorable/blogworthy thing that happened), on Wednesday we got a grocery delivery at the store. We get them every other week so that was not the surprise. Even after unloading all the groceries (which we do by hand with the aid wheeled devices) all was still normal. It was when the driver tried to put the last freezer box on the truck that it all started going really, really bad.

My googling has not matched me up with any photos of a freezer box at all, let alone the one that I am talking about, so I will try to describe it. Your average pallet is about 40×42 inches (some smaller, some larger, depending on the width of the trailer it is being hauled in) ideally, they can fill the trailer of a shipping truck with two pallets from front to back. The 40×42 pallet is pretty standard so I am going to assume that it is the size of the freezer boxes (as they leave no room for error when trying to maneuver one around the other inside the truck). This all being beside the point anyway.

Much like everything else in the world, technology has caught up with the trucking industry. The freezer boxes are now made mostly out of fiberglass, using stryofoam as insulation. Unfortunately, some of the old steel boxes are still being used (some of them being in horrible condition), which is where the day all went to hell for me.

-I am sure that no one really wants/needs to hear this, but I have to mention it or else the story wouldn’t make any sense. These freezer boxes have to be elevated about four inches off of the ground to make it possible to get a pallet jack under them. The old, steel (well, solid metal anyway), freezers had legs welded onto them for this purpose, while the newer fiberglass boxes have them molded to the box. I hope that question is on Jeopardy sometime, else that was a wasted thought.-

The last freezer box that we unloaded was a really, really old box. The doors on it wouldn’t stay shut on their own so they wrapped it in plastic wrap to keep it from falling open. Also, it was missing one of its legs; A fact that was only discovered when the driver was trying to turn the pallet around to get it onto his truck. Then came the destruction. When the box was being turned (on the pallet jack), there was one leg missing. Instead of turning smoothly it tipped over and fell right off of the loading dock. It took the driver, a hand cart, and the pallet jack with it. Thankfully, no one was hurt. There was a substantial amount of property damage though.

The box ripped through the mesh on the steel security door like it was tissue paper, then, when it got to the edge of the door, it caught the frame of it and ripped the door completely out of the wall. It tumbled slightly, off the edge of the loading dock, to end up leaning, very precariously, against a wooden fence, the loading dock, and the lift gate of the truck. It was bad.

Always the trooper, my first thought was, “I need a lot of photos of this”, followed by, “I need him to sign a paper that says that they will pay for all the damage”. I got both of them easily, as the driver knew that his company was at fault and also needed my help to get that archaic freezer box back onto his truck. I did take a lot of the photos before we touched anything, since I wanted evidence that the box had destroyed the security door and was damn near pushing the fence over; he called his immediate supervisor to tell them what had happened and sent photos via his cell phone. That was when we had to figure out how to get the damn box back upright so that we could get it back on his truck.

Just about the same time as we were discussing how to move the box without downing the fence (since it was leaning against the loading dock, the fence, and the lift gate), the termite-sprayer-guy showed up, and was willing to help. I don’t know how much that box actually weighs, but I do know that if three grown men (even if we were all weaklings, which I don’t think was the case) couldn’t move it, it must be at least 700 pounds, of course at that precarious angle, and with little space who knows.

The story finally ends with me pushing the box away from the fence while the termite guy is holding a chain to pull it away from the fence, the driver moves his truck forward far enough to clear the fence, then all we have to do is stand it back up and get it on the truck. Oddly, the three of us were able to stand it up pretty easily, in fact getting it onto the truck wasn’t much of a problem either; I tipped it onto two of its good legs while termite guy stuck a brick under the missing leg, driver got the pallet jack under it and it was done.

The casualties in this case were only a steel security door, which is completely fucked, A wooden fence, which I will likely be repairing in the near future, and a freezer box that should have been retired decades ago. Since I got the guy to sign a paper that said his company was responsible for all the damage, perhaps I should get them to cover punitive damages??

July 2017

Cancer: 6/22-7/22
For 34 years you have been painstakingly removing a single hair from the head of each of woman you murder -with plans to weave them into a belt. A mishap involving a a candle-warmer, a vacuum cleaner, and the police breaking down the door to take you 'dead or alive' will bring your collecting days to an unfortunate end.

Leo: 7/23-8/22
Your plan to rook your boyfriend into marrying you by faking a pregnancy will fail this week. There are several reasons why this plan will fail: 1) you have denied him sex for your entire relationship, promising him that flower on the honeymoon. 2) You actually are pregnant. 3) You've been wearing a T-shirt that says 'Gold Digger' on it since the day you met him. 4) The single strand of hair that the Cancer (horoscope above) pulls from your head will be the one and only time he leaves his own DNA at the crime scene.

Virgo: 8/23-9/22
Okay, maybe the stars have been a bit harsh. They know you are a good guy, but you've made a lot of mistakes. The stars are willing to meet at Gina's Coffee Shop on July 12th at noon. If you aren't there, you may as well write off visitation of your kids.

Libra: 9/23-10/22
98% That is the specific number you will give your wife before you jump out of the plane. That optimistic chance of survival will slowly fade as you realize that gravity doesn't care a great deal if you have your arms out or not: Terminal velocity is terminal velocity. Your attempt to recreate the famous scene from the movie Point Break will end just as it should have in the movie: A horrible mass of flesh and bone several miles away from the guy who actually did have the parachute.

Scorpio: 10/23-11/21
The stars have a huge "to do" list. As such, your childhood wish to have sex with Anna Nichole Smith will finally come true this week. No, there's no way to stop it. The stars do apologize for the lateness of the fulfillment of this request, but they think your friends will count it anyway.

Sagitarius: 11/22-12/21
You've seen the movie The Number 23 exactly twenty-two times. You've built your life around avoiding that number. You''ll feel supremely confident when you leave your house on 07/12/2017. But, on 07/12/2017, you will step onto the sidewalk only to be struck and killed by a drunk driver. The time of impact? Exactly 11:01:00am on 07/12/2017. You will have exactly enough time to add up the digits of the date AND time: 1+1+0+1+0+0+0+7+1+2+2+0+1+7=23. Your realization that any date, time, or irrelevant number can be made to equal 23 will be moot.

Capricorn: 12/22-1/19
The stars have been watching you. And your daughter. Oh my, how we have been watching your daughter... Blah, blah, something about a star rising in Orion, blah, blah. The stars will definitely offer you better guidance once that daughter is of legal age.

Aquarius: 1/20-2/18
Every man wants to die a hero. That's human nature. But you have obsessed about it. When little Johnny accidentally starts a fire in his trash can this week, you should calmly walk out of the house with everyone else. If you happen to stand in Johnny's room screaming "take me, I'm the one you want!" That action may be ill-perceived by the police. The firefighters aren't even going to respond; the trash can fire burned itself out without even melting the plastic of the can.

Pisces: 2/19-3/20
Billy-Ray has been wearing that mullet for thirty damn years, so you figured yours would be fine, too. You'll soon realize that Billy-ray can rock that hairdo because he doesn't have to get it near the shake machine at Dairy Queen. You, on the other hand, have to get those lovely locks right up in there. Or, your now-naked scalp did.

Aries: 3/21-4/19
While the police report will read "failed attempt to jump the Grand Canyon", and the coroner's report will read "severe blunt-force trauma", everyone who knows you will know that they should have read "Eh, I think I can make it."

Taurus: 4/20-5/20
Rape. It's a big, scary word. It will also be the most appropriate word for what the biggest guy in jail is about to do to you. Please confer with a Cancer for advice on how to handle it.

Gemini: 5/21-6/21
Yeah, your Lyft driver is also carrying a knife. Unwanted advances will also result in removal of the penis. Keep it in your pants. Unless, of course, the Uber driver already handed it to you. In that case you can wave that thing around like a flag. You're probably not going to get a ride, but you are going to be one in a very exclusive group of men who can 'wave it around like a flag'.

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