Back from vacation

As the title should imply I have made it back from vacation. In one piece no less. I had a lot of fun throwing away my money this year, but that is a story for a different time.

When we arrived at the hotel last Sunday I started to type a post into my wife’s laptop. I actually typed out a total of three posts while we were up there, all in the first two days, after which I decided that I should really just disconnect and enjoy the vacation. I will probably get the wife to email me the .txt file that I saved those posts in just to see if there was anything noteworthy written in them, somehow I doubt that that is the case. If there is anything good in them, expect it to follow within the next couple of days.

Vacation was awesome! If you have never been to Laughlin, just imagine Las Vegas on a river; There are numerous boat tours ( a couple of which we went on) and a much less seedy atmosphere than Vegas, and you can walk on the beach! Not the beach of the Hotel we stayed in though. Well, technically you could walk on that beach, if you were brave enough, the wife tried it for a couple of minutes and then gave up. Turns out that the smoking $19 room rate doesn’t give you the best of beaches to walk on. Who knew?

Laughlin is also built as a casino town. What that means to you and me is that when you look over to the next casino, then consider walking there, it is actually something you can do. While in Vegas we made the mistake of trying to walk from one casino to the next, it seemed like it was so close. Fifteen minutes later, with sore legs and a sunburn, we made it to the next casino; Laughlin has the casinos built much closer together. There were only two casinos that we actually got in the car to drive to, and that could attributed more to us being lazy than the length of the walk. The ‘captain’ on the boat tour said that the rest of the water’s edge had all been bought for further casino development, which is likely true, but they offer shuttles from the current ends of the strip for four bucks (boat shuttles by the way, try getting that in Vegas).

Beyond that, Laughlin is very similar to Vegas. They try to pump as much alcohol as possible into you to keep you throwing money into the machines; They have cheap, cheap, really cheap food; The majority of the casinos are owned by the same corporations that own the casinos in Vegas; The casino with the best (or cheapest) buffet is usually the busiest one. Also, there are a lot more old people in Laughlin than in Vegas, I don’t know if that is by design, but there were certainly a lot of people I met there that should have been coffin fillers years and years ago…

The one major advantage that Laughlin has (currently) is the lack of porn and prostitution advertising. The porn and prostitution smut that you see everywhere in Vegas is just not there. That was a really nice bonus. I don’t suppose that means that there is any less prostitution, but it does mean that you don’t really have to see it so much. That is good all around.

Just in case I haven’t yet mentioned the river, I am going to talk about that for a bit.

They have little boats that go casino to casino along the river; they have boats that do tours of the river; they have day tours that go all the way down to the London Bridge. The prices on them go from slightly outrageous all the way to flat-out, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. I doubt that the flat-out you’ve got to be fucking kidding me is worth the money, but I am pretty cynical, as such I never paid to go on it. I did get the chance to go on a couple of the boats though, just not that one.

The rides on the boats were pretty cool, well worth the price of admission, if you ever find yourself in Laughlin you should certainly do it; Not only is it a pretty sweet ride, but it will also keep you out of the casino for a couple of hours, and that is worth its weight in gold.

This vacation, as opposed to all other vacations that I can think of, I didn’t put a single thing on a credit card. Well, I suppose that I did book the room on a credit card, but after that it was cash for everything. I lost far more money than I care to admit, but it was actual cash, no debt resulted from the vacation to Laughlin. It was good times.

More to follow?

July 2017

Cancer: 6/22-7/22
For 34 years you have been painstakingly removing a single hair from the head of each of woman you murder -with plans to weave them into a belt. A mishap involving a a candle-warmer, a vacuum cleaner, and the police breaking down the door to take you 'dead or alive' will bring your collecting days to an unfortunate end.

Leo: 7/23-8/22
Your plan to rook your boyfriend into marrying you by faking a pregnancy will fail this week. There are several reasons why this plan will fail: 1) you have denied him sex for your entire relationship, promising him that flower on the honeymoon. 2) You actually are pregnant. 3) You've been wearing a T-shirt that says 'Gold Digger' on it since the day you met him. 4) The single strand of hair that the Cancer (horoscope above) pulls from your head will be the one and only time he leaves his own DNA at the crime scene.

Virgo: 8/23-9/22
Okay, maybe the stars have been a bit harsh. They know you are a good guy, but you've made a lot of mistakes. The stars are willing to meet at Gina's Coffee Shop on July 12th at noon. If you aren't there, you may as well write off visitation of your kids.

Libra: 9/23-10/22
98% That is the specific number you will give your wife before you jump out of the plane. That optimistic chance of survival will slowly fade as you realize that gravity doesn't care a great deal if you have your arms out or not: Terminal velocity is terminal velocity. Your attempt to recreate the famous scene from the movie Point Break will end just as it should have in the movie: A horrible mass of flesh and bone several miles away from the guy who actually did have the parachute.

Scorpio: 10/23-11/21
The stars have a huge "to do" list. As such, your childhood wish to have sex with Anna Nichole Smith will finally come true this week. No, there's no way to stop it. The stars do apologize for the lateness of the fulfillment of this request, but they think your friends will count it anyway.

Sagitarius: 11/22-12/21
You've seen the movie The Number 23 exactly twenty-two times. You've built your life around avoiding that number. You''ll feel supremely confident when you leave your house on 07/12/2017. But, on 07/12/2017, you will step onto the sidewalk only to be struck and killed by a drunk driver. The time of impact? Exactly 11:01:00am on 07/12/2017. You will have exactly enough time to add up the digits of the date AND time: 1+1+0+1+0+0+0+7+1+2+2+0+1+7=23. Your realization that any date, time, or irrelevant number can be made to equal 23 will be moot.

Capricorn: 12/22-1/19
The stars have been watching you. And your daughter. Oh my, how we have been watching your daughter... Blah, blah, something about a star rising in Orion, blah, blah. The stars will definitely offer you better guidance once that daughter is of legal age.

Aquarius: 1/20-2/18
Every man wants to die a hero. That's human nature. But you have obsessed about it. When little Johnny accidentally starts a fire in his trash can this week, you should calmly walk out of the house with everyone else. If you happen to stand in Johnny's room screaming "take me, I'm the one you want!" That action may be ill-perceived by the police. The firefighters aren't even going to respond; the trash can fire burned itself out without even melting the plastic of the can.

Pisces: 2/19-3/20
Billy-Ray has been wearing that mullet for thirty damn years, so you figured yours would be fine, too. You'll soon realize that Billy-ray can rock that hairdo because he doesn't have to get it near the shake machine at Dairy Queen. You, on the other hand, have to get those lovely locks right up in there. Or, your now-naked scalp did.

Aries: 3/21-4/19
While the police report will read "failed attempt to jump the Grand Canyon", and the coroner's report will read "severe blunt-force trauma", everyone who knows you will know that they should have read "Eh, I think I can make it."

Taurus: 4/20-5/20
Rape. It's a big, scary word. It will also be the most appropriate word for what the biggest guy in jail is about to do to you. Please confer with a Cancer for advice on how to handle it.

Gemini: 5/21-6/21
Yeah, your Lyft driver is also carrying a knife. Unwanted advances will also result in removal of the penis. Keep it in your pants. Unless, of course, the Uber driver already handed it to you. In that case you can wave that thing around like a flag. You're probably not going to get a ride, but you are going to be one in a very exclusive group of men who can 'wave it around like a flag'.

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